The Better Hatter
by Kioasakka
Summary: Hatter and Alice go see Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland.' Hatter ends up wondering who's the better Hatter.


At first, neither of us really wanted to see it. I mean, really—Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland"? Please. Unless this Tim Burton fellow had actually been to Wonderland, which I doubted, then his interpretation of the world would probably be silly and stupid. Not to mention the nonsensical look they gave the Mad Hatter. And Alice was still convinced that she was done with everything having to do with Wonderland—save for me, of course.

But finally we decided, what the hell, why not, and found ourselves wearing the most ridiculous glasses ever and eating popcorn in the movie theatre waiting for it to start.

"This should be worth a laugh or two," I told her quietly, and then stared at her as she agreed. She turned her head to look at me, and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" she asked with a smile.

"Even with those stupid things blocking your lovely eyes," I told her, "you're still radiantly beautiful."

Her smile grew and she laughed. She shook her head and elbowed my arm playfully. "Whatever, Prince Charming. You don't look half bad yourself."

I leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek, and then the movie started.

"Her dress bothers me," Alice whispered. "It's too short. That would've never been okay back then."

_"I think I'm going mad. I keep seeing a rabbit in a waistcoat."_

"Do animals actually talk in Wonderland?" she asked me.

I snicker. "You can always go back and find out."

"Ugh… never mind."

_"It's absolutely Alice! You're absolutely Alice, I'd know you anywhere. I'd know him anywhere!"_

I cringed and sank into my seat. Alice sniggered beside me. "Great hair, Hatter," she murmured to me. "Though I must say I do love the hat."

I groaned. "Kill me, please…"

_"You ran out on them to save your own skin, you guddler's scuttish pilgar lickering shukm juggling sluking urpal. Bar lom muck egg brimni!"_

My eyes were wide in terror. "What the fuck did he jus' say?" I asked, my voice slightly hitched. Alice is in a silent fit of giggles next to me.

_"You seem so real. Sometimes I forget that this is all a dream."_

"Is she _really_ tha' stupid?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't blame her. Sometimes I wondered if I was dreaming too."

"Are you dreaming now?" I raised my eyebrows and smiled my devilishly handsome smile.

She laughed. "Well, if I am, I most certainly never want to wake up." She pecked me on the lips before murmuring, "Oh, look, you're in jail."

_"I've always admired that Hat."_

"What is this idolization of tha' stupid hat?" I grumbled.

"It's an awesome hat," Alice answered. "Jealous?"

"No," I say quickly, and a little too loudly, eliciting a "SHHH!" from the lady behind me.

_"I'd like to keep it on."_

_"Suit yourself. As long as I can get at your neck."_

"Haha, film error," Alice pointed out.

"What? Where?"

"The executioner moved the ribbon things to the side and now they're back where they were before."

_"Madam, you are being heinously bamboozled by these lickspittled toadies you surround yourselves with."_

"This guy says the_ weirdest _things," I complained, resisting the urge to face-palm myself.

"I'm just wondering why that woman isn't more careful about her nose."

_"Prepare the Jabberwocky for battle. We're going to visit my little sister."_

I rolled my eyes. "Jeez… they keep calling it a Jabberwock_y_… it's jus' Jabberwock. No 'Y'. What's up with tha'?"

The scene cut to the White Queen's castle. "I dunno… But do you think her arms ever get tired being up like that all the time?"

_"I'm so happy to see you, I thought they were going to…"_

_"So did I, but they didn't. And now here I am, still in one piece. And I'm rather glad about that now that I'm seeing you again. I-I-I would have regretted not seeing you again, especially now that you're you, and the proper size. A-And it's a good size, it's a great size, it's a right proper ALICE SIZE—"_

_"Hatter!"_

_"Size…fez… I'm fine."_

"They're so adorable," Alice sighed. "It's so obvious that they love each other."

I looked over at her at that, and then back at the screen, and back at her. It was so weird, watching this movie and seeing the Mad Hatter and Alice in love, while I, a true Wonderland native, coincidentally also called Hatter, was sitting by a young woman also coincidentally called Alice, with whom I am in love. And all of a sudden, I really liked Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter, and wanted to see him and the blonde Alice together at the end. A small smile on my face, I refocused my attention on the screen.

_"Still believe this is a dream, do you?"_

_"Of course. This has all come from my own mind."_

"May I slap her?" Alice asked me, but my finger flew up to my lips and I scowled as I told her, "Shh!" Had I not been focused on the movie (and had we not been wearing these silly glasses), I would have seen her look at me with a sort of puzzlement, and then shake her head, smiling.

_"Which would mean… that I'm not—real."_

Whoa. Major shock there. My eyes widened and for just a moment, I became concerned about the reality of my _own_ self. Was I real? Or was this all just come from someone else's mind?

_"I'll miss you when I wake up."_

Alice's hand slipped into mine. I only vaguely noticed.

_"Alice, at last. You were just as dim-witted the first time you were here. You called it 'Wonderland' as I recall."_

I became completely immersed (the 3D probably had a lot to do with it) in the movie at that point. I didn't even have a snarky comment about the Underland/Wonderland deal they were going on about. The music and atmosphere actually gave me goosebumps.

_"This is impossible."_

_"Only if you believe it is."_

Only the final two of Alice's six impossible things were actually true, though I'd never tell _my_ Alice that. (It's much too fun to watch her squirm in curiosity.)

_"You could stay."_

I thought about how Alice had asked me if I wanted her to stay in Wonderland, and how I ended up coming here to stay with her in her world. But the movie Alice would stay in Underland with her Hatter, especially since there was nothing her world back home offered her.

As the scene unfolded before me, my eyes widened, my brows furrowed, and my frown deepened in confusion. What the hell was this?

_"Fairfarren, Alice."_

My jaw dropped. I had been so sure that he was leaning in to_ kiss_ her, and all he did was say goodbye?

Well. That was all_ I_ had done, too. Maybe Alice would have some sense and jump back into the rabbit hole…

_"Hello, Absolem."_

The credits flew up onto the screen and my Alice took off her glasses and said, "I don't care what you say… I liked it." She frowned at me, and took off my glasses; my eyes were still glued to the screen in shock. "What's the matter?"

"Wha— what the—?" I pointed at the screen, completely confused. "What the _bloody hell _was tha' ending?"

"What? Oh, I dunno… kind of unrealistic to the time period, and pretty disappointing—I wanted her to stay—"

"Well for goodness' sake, tha' movie was brilliant up until tha' ending!" I yelled, half-standing in my chair, both my arms out in front of me as if to say 'What the hell?'

Alice tried not to smile. "Come on, then, let's go." She took my arm and started to lead me out of the theatre.

"Tha' was _so _cheap! It was plain as nigh' and day tha' they were meant to be together and she_ leaves?_ To become a—a—a _businesswoman?__!_"

"Calm down, Hatter," Alice ordered with a laugh.

Still feeling completely cheated, I declared, "I will_ never_ watch tha' _again_!"

And I didn't. Every time I rewatched it after I bought it on DVD (secretly so Alice wouldn't find out; please don't tell her—I'd never hear the end of it), I stopped the movie when she climbed out the rabbit hole so I could pretend she realized her mistake, turned around, and jumped back in.

But while we were walking out of the movie theatre, I was able to forget how absolutely ludicrous that ending was because my Alice wrapped her arms around one of mine and leaned her head on my shoulder to murmur, "You're the better Hatter, anyway."

Sometimes, though, I'm not really sure. We're both pretty spectacular. What do _you_ think?


End file.
